I was rooting around my old documents folder and came upon a file named ‘Chain Mail.doc’ and it contained some old skool chain mail memes from the dawn of the Web 2.0 circa 2000 or so. With out further adieu here they are:
Daddies 10 rules of Dating
- If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up
- You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
- I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
- I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “Barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
- It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: “early”
- I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
- As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
- The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka — zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
- Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, imwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
- Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car — there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Dr. Phil’s test
Dr. Phil’s Test Here you go … try this. Below is Dr. Phil’s test. (Dr. Phil scored 55 — he did this test on Oprah — she got a 38.) Folks pay a lot of money to find this stuff out. Read on, this is very interesting! Don’t be overly sensitive! The following is pretty accurate and it only takes 2 minutes. Take this test for yourself and send it to your friends. The person who sent it placed their score in the subject box. Please do the same before forwarding to your friends. Don’t peek but begin the test as you scroll down and answer. Answers are for you are now…… not who you were in the past. Have pen or pencil and paper ready. This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept… at many of the major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees. It’s only 10 simple questions, so…… grab a pencil and paper,keeping track of your letter answers. Make sure to change the subject of the e-mail to read YOUR total. When you are finished, forward this to everyone you know, and also send it to the person who sent this toyou. Make sure to put YOUR score in the subject box. Ready?? Begin…
- When do you feel your best? a) in the morning b) during the afternoon and early evening c) late at night
- You usually walk… a) Fairly fast, with long steps b) Fairly fast, with little steps c) Less fast head up, looking the world in the face d) Less fast, head down e) Very slowly
- When talking to people you… a) Stand with your arms folded b) Have your hands clasped c) Have one or both your hands on your hips d) Touch or push the person to whom you are talking e) Play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair
- When relaxing, you sit with… a) Your knees bent with you r legs neatly side by side b) Your legs crossed c) Your legs stretched out or straight d) One leg curled under you
- When something really amuses you, you react with… a) Big appreciated laugh b) A laugh, but not a loud one c) A quiet chuckle d) A sheepishsmile
- When you go to a party or social gathering you… a) Make a loud entrance so everyone notices you b) Make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know c) Make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed
- You’re working very hard, concentrating hard, and you’re interrupted. You…… a) Welcome the break b) Feel extremely irritated c) Vary between these two extremes
- Which of the following colors do you like most? a) Red or Orange b) Black c) Yellow or Light Blue d) Green e) Dark Blue or Purple f) White g) Brown or Gray
- When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep you are…. a) Stretched out on your back b) Stretched out face down on your stomach c) On your side, slightly curled d) With your head on one arm e) With your head under the covers
- You often dream that you are… a) Falling b) Fighting or struggling c) Searching for something or somebody d) Flying or floating e) You usually have dreamless sleep f) Your dreams are always pleasant
1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6 2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1 3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6 4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1 5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2 6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2 7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4 8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1 9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1 10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1
Now add up the total number of points.
- OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should “handle with care..” You’re seen as vain, self centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more ike you, but don’t always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.
- 51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who’s quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances ande njoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.
- 41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who’s constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who’ll always cheer them up and help them out.
- 31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who’s extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expects the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken.
- 21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.
- UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions & who doesn’t want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don’t exist. Some people think you’re boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren’t. Now forward this to others, and put your score in subject box.
HOW TO MAKE LOVE
- 4 Laughing eyes
- 4 Well-shaped legs
- 4 Loving arms
- 2 Firm milk containers
- 2 Nuts
- 1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
- 1 Firm banana
- Look into laughing eyes.
- Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
- Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
- Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
- As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
- The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.
- If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
- Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
- If cake rises, leave town.